This is not just one more article about love

For starters, I want you to answer yourself a few questions. Can love be controlled? Can you get someone to fall madly in love with you? Do you believe that if there is no love at the beginning, you can’t even “create” it ?! If you answered yes to these questions, I must tell you that it is likely that you are a fatalist. You believe in destiny. You believe that your life is influenced by some external factors, not you! But even though life consists of countless situations that you would call fate (and I would say coincidences), I must at least try to reassure you. Yes, it’s true, you didn’t choose many events in your life, but if you think better, you chose the situations and paths that led to these situations, you chose your reaction to that event, you chose to change (or not change) something.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

For a better understanding, I’ll give you an example. A woman falls in love with a man, she marries. Everything seems like a dream to her. But a very nearly once-perfect man is now starting to beat her. True, she did not choose to marry the man who beat her. But she chose to ignore all the signs (maybe people) warning her that he wasn’t as perfect as he seemed. Maybe he had dramatic partnerships with other women in the past that you knew, maybe he used to call ex-girlfriends (or even his own mother) derogatory names in front of you, be aggressive towards someone else, use drugs … There are always some signs when looking back. Very often, family members or friends warn of suspicious behaviour they dislike. However, if all of these signs remain unrecognized or unaccepted, the choice remains. A woman chooses to stay or not to stay in a relationship or marriage with an aggressive partner. She chooses whether to report him to the police. Maybe you don’t want to have a failed marriage behind you, be ashamed of yourself and be the subject of gossip? And that’s a choice! She chooses that her physical and mental health, safety, love and happiness are less important to her than “what the neighbours will say.” He chooses to give birth to an aggressive partner, chooses to give his children an unhappy childhood. The woman stays with him because “he promises to change.” And that’s the choice. She chooses to deceive herself. I think it’s clear enough how much in each life situation our choices play a role. We are starring in the movie of our lives.

Now I want you to think again – can love be controlled? The answer is self-imposed. Love is not too different from other emotions such as fear, anxiety, jealousy … These emotions can be controlled, and so can love. Of course, a pathologically jealous person may have trouble controlling that emotion, but can learn to put that jealousy under control! It’s the same with love. The problem is that we have been taught to believe that love “happens on its own”, that it is a matter of destiny, happiness. The reality is different. Don’t you spend time and time settling for the first date (or trying to get someone special to notice you)? If love is a matter of fate, wouldn’t it have happened if you went to that first date in your worst-case ?! And yes … I forgot that fate only works when we’re tip-top arranged!

How can psychology help you?

Each of us has in our minds a “list” that a potential partner needs to fulfil the basic “criteria” for love. Criteria are built over a lifetime and include a system of values, beliefs, past experiences, life background, past relationships. If one does not meet the criteria in that list, he or she is automatically disqualified. Of course, this is generally not a conscious process. Many people do not even know what attracted them to a particular partner. They are simply not aware of their unique list of criteria. Your subconscious has done all the work. Sometimes you are fully aware of why you have not accepted some potential partners. I know people who ran away from potential partners at the first little sign of jealousy or restriction of freedom.

Meeting a person who fully meets the criteria does not mean that we will automatically fall in love, but if someone does not meet those criteria at all – it is almost certain that we will not fall in love. Therefore, if you want to win someone’s heart, try to discover as much as possible about that person. Consider how much you personally fit into his criteria. If this is a person who adores animals and whose dog sleeps two dogs, then you probably won’t like it if you hate animals and are disgusted by the hair on clothes. The idea is that it is very easy to lie to please the man of your dreams, but in the long run – it is not worth it. If you act out what you are not, you are not the woman of his dreams and he will sooner or later discover it.

When someone is looking for a partner, he usually tries to find the person who will look like him in the things that are valuable to him. They look for their own strengths and strengths with the other person, but also the opposites of their weaknesses. If you like someone who has low confidence, you will probably like it if you act confident and confident. Subconsciously he receives the message that you have what he needs. You have noticed that in some people persistence pays off and persistent ones win the heart of their sympathy, but at the same time, there are people who consider persistence to be flawed and persistent people find it hard. If you like a person who is vulnerable and needs others to protect him/her, people who will depend on their sense of happiness, then you stand a better chance if you are as much with him/her as possible.

If you have mutual friends, you can use it for your own benefit. If they think you are great, chances are he/she will agree. In a way, it is brainwashing – the more your mutual friends tell their heartthrob about you and how wonderful you are, the more likely you are to take their place in his thoughts. Also, remember that repetition significantly affects the acceptance of something in one’s subconscious – so stay close, in plain sight, to create as many opportunities for an unobtrusive encounter, whether you are talking or not. Doing so will solidify the position in his thoughts. Of course, it should not be overstated. Nuzzling every ten minutes or the following someone in the footsteps can only scare him. That way you can’t win anyone’s heart.

To enhance the effect, do your best to connect yourself with positive emotions. The important thing is that she connects your name with emotions like “happy,” “funny,” “confident,” not “depressed,” “nervous,” etc.

And finally, I’ll briefly describe one experiment. An attractive young woman approaches young men, visitors to a park. Ask her to complete a questionnaire as part of her psychology project. After the young man completes the questionnaire, she thanks and promises to explain the research in more detail on another occasion, and gives her name and phone number. He tells the young man to call her freely if he wants to talk to her a little longer. A number of factors influence whether a young man reports to a girl or not, but one of them is the excitement she feels at that moment – although that excitement may not be related to her at all! In the experiment, the girl approached the young men in the park in completely different circumstances. Half of the young men approached as they crossed a 110-meter long makeshift suspension bridge over a deep canyon as a stronger wind blew and the bridge swung. She approached the other half of the young men after resting on a park bench for some time. The results showed that many more young men called the girl and invited her to a meeting if she approached them on the bridge than in a neutral situation. Why? While in the middle of the bridge, they felt arousal and mistakenly thought that part of that excitement was a sign of attraction to a handsome girl.

What idea does that give you? Take your crush on an “adrenaline rush”. Death train, bungee jumping, crossing a dangerous bridge or any other exciting activity … these are all heart-rating situations where you can replicate the experiment described. But will you take a chance and make a choice?


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